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SOAS Agony Aunt: Your Problems, (Occasionally) Helpful Solutions

Welcome to the SOAS Agony Aunt! You submit your burning questions, hot gossip, or darkest secrets to my little Google form and I respond via this column. If you want to see your issues addressed, please complete the form at or scan the QR code! Please note, this is only meant to be semi-serious and I am not responsible for the consequences of your actions.

As Paris Hilton once said directly to me about me, “Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins.”

Stay hot,

Agony Aunt

Love and Lust

Dear Agony Aunt,

I want to explode through the cells of other human beings but I don’t know how to. I’m lacking intimacy on campus. I just want to traverse, puncture and perforate into the souls of the people around me but I’m blocked with severe social anxiety. How can I create intimacy with others if my anxiety doesn’t allow me to? 

– UG2 BA Anthropology

Dear Agony Aunt,

I fancy so many people on campus. I would love to have sexual relations with at least one person but I don’t know how to even begin. It’s like I’m blocked and I can’t get myself to make any kind of move. I’m scared of doing it. I’m scared of overstepping the boundary and receiving a negative response. How can I navigate sexuality in an increasingly sensitive consent culture that erects walls and deflates genitalia? 

– UG2 BA Anthropology

Dear readers,

There seems to be A LOT going on in the 2nd year Anthropology classes… These are quite similar, so I am going to address the general issue and then specific points. 

Firstly, sex and sexuality at SOAS always seem to be complex issues. This is due to the fact that at SOAS we, generally speaking, have quite a sexy student body but at the same time are quite a small, close-knit community. Therefore, we are constantly at risk of word of our sexual exploits being spread around campus. However, one should NEVER be ashamed of their sex life, and that is a rule that I firmly live by. 

Now, in order to not be embarrassed by sex, you have to have sex in the first place. Unfortunately, I cannot give you flirting advice because every person reacts differently to different things. You have to tailor it to the emotional needs of yourself and the other person, gauging how they react to your advances along the way. I will say though, making yourself seem unique from others around you is a universal way to sow the seeds of seduction. This is because once they notice that you simply exist, you can then begin to highlight the best parts of yourself. To quote Paris Hilton, “The only rule is don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.”, and she’s dead right.

Thirdly, do not fear rejection because each time you are rejected, it acts as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and help you master the art of seduction.

Lastly, I would like to address the question “How can I navigate sexuality in an increasingly sensitive consent culture that erects walls and deflates genitalia?”. Enthusiastic consent and respecting boundaries are key to any sexual encounter. If you are worried about crossing someone’s boundaries, then either ask them if it is ok to do that thing or do not do it at all. This article is a good place to start thinking about consent: The “sensitive consent culture” is there for a reason. Sex is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, and comfortable. If we take consent out of the equation, sex becomes none of those things.

Good luck getting lucky,

Agony Aunt

Academic stress

Dear Agony Aunt,

I’m not sure this is the place for this, but how do I keep going? University might not be the place for me. 

– UG3 BA International Relations

Dear reader,

This happens to everyone at least once in their academic career – it happened to me very recently! I believe there are 3 ways forward:

  1. You push through and put trust in yourself and/or whatever higher power you believe in that you will find clearness. It is your last year after all, so you could just finish your degree, graduate, and then explore pastures new.
  2. Find a distraction. Yes, university should be your main focus, but keep yourself busy with parties or cute coffee shop dates or getting addicted to stan Twitter when you aren’t studying. It just has to be something that scratches your brain.
  3. Option three is by far my favourite: bimbofication. The bimbo is a mythical state of being, one I believe that everyone has within them somewhere inside. Maximise your slay. Allow yourself to be underestimated. Then turn around and blow the world away with your astounding yet sexy level of intelligence. Become the Elle Woods of SOAS. 

As Paris Hilton once said “I’m very intelligent. I’m capable of doing everything put to me. I’ve launched a perfume and want my own hotel chain. I’m living proof blondes are not stupid.” Then again, Paris Hilton once said “What’s a soup kitchen?” That my friends, is a true bimbo success story.

Slay the day,

Agony Aunt

Photo Caption: Agony Aunt hard at work (Credit: Millie Glaister).

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