I Am My Mother’s Child, and So Are You
When dusk becomes dawn, you do not actually know the influencer you follow daily. You are still at home with your mom.
Melina Tavakoli Moghaddam, Opinion Editor, BA Politics and International Relations
09/12/2024
In her song ‘Writer In The Dark’, musician Lorde dedicates her chorus to a comparison of her love to that of her mothers: ‘I am my mother’s child, I’ll love you ‘til my breathing stops, I’ll love you ‘til you call the cops on me’. Though lyrical and resonating, it is clear that the song was released in 2017. It seems that in 2024, the majority of Gen Z wishes to distance themselves from the idea that you may turn into your mother. The fruits of her labour become neglected, her screams ring as villainous, her concern translates to jealousy. When the mother’s traits are present in an influencer, the story is different. The influencer works hard, her screams are the voice of a generation, her concerns benefit cancel culture.
Perhaps this comparison may echo as an attempt to invalidate what most of Gen Z seems to be experiencing: ‘mommy issues’. Perhaps it may even sound like an attempt to reincarnate Freud. Once you inevitably become your mother and time has slipped past your so-thought tight grasp, the validation you dearly crave from a soft hug remains but neither your mother, nor the influencer that replaced her, will be there.
Firstly, it is important to unpack what ‘mommy issues’ actually entail. Simply, the term refers to the psychological challenges one faces in their adult life after an inability to maintain a healthy relationship with a mother or female figure during childhood. It is different for everybody. One might struggle with opening up, whilst another might struggle with abandonment. A common facet that people with ‘mommy issues’ do share is the fact that often, the mother victimises herself to the extent that the child is forced to grow up, commit to the mother’s ambition and transform into the version of the mother that could have been something great. But the child cannot complain to the mother; the child is scared.
But oh, the sacred haven that is called the information age; nothing will ever be TMI (‘too much information’). Whichever direction one looks, there will be someone willing to share personal traumas to strangers online. Mother doesn’t understand when I communicate, but the screen will. I can create a community of shared experiences and relatable anecdotes about how annoying it is to feel uncomfortable around my own mother.
Along with the comforts of online sharing, there is the recent championing of kindness in Gen Z principles. ‘Being kind is free’, hence the accessibility of being able to find a second family in people you do not know online. Users are also encouraged to harness empathy in daily interactions beyond the screen. There is help online for you to enhance your communication with loved ones for the relationship to flourish.
It is evident that the growth of this ideology is due to the reality of current affairs surrounding us. It seems that the ordinary citizen cannot exactly contribute globally beyond raising awareness through conversation. Therefore, there is no other reasonable solution than for one to be kind in simple conversation so as not to exacerbate people’s already pressured mindset.
This is where we come back to the ‘influencer’. According to Statista, the market of global influencing was estimated at around $21.1b in 2023, the highest it has ever been. Of course, this may be accredited to the rise of social media platforms themselves. One cannot deny the self-perpetuating cycle of doom-scrolling. Without influencers, however, this growth would not have been possible. These micro-celebrities often gain their following on the basis of relatability, thus introducing the idea of parasocial relationships. The growth of parasocial relationships has, according to a 2017 study, benefitted the development of autonomy for adolescents. By ensuring to reply to their fans’ comments, advocating for relevant issues, and sharing their own life stories, they essentially become a friend to all. In a strange way, the influencer thus fills the gap of validation left by the mother. However, as Aristotle once said, a friend of all is a friend of none.
What I pose now is the very performativity of this all. The main question that arises is how can kindness possibly be at the forefront of Gen Z’s movement when it can't even reach the mother? It is hilarious to poke fun and commodify ‘mommy issues’, but when it comes to truly combatting it and attempting to erase years of generational trauma, we turn to online spaces for healing. When dusk becomes dawn, you do not actually know the influencer you follow daily. You are still at home with your mom.
The comfort of the internet, then, comes at the cost of becoming a sheep to popular strangers you consider your friends. It is a superficial front for hiding your true need for reassurance.
Of course, it is not so simple to blame the victim, or the child. It is common for individuals with ‘mommy issues’ to have already attempted conversations to understand the context of why their relationship with their mother has not succeeded. This is where it is significant to propose a different lens. Rather than conversing with the mother to understand her, one can converse with the mother to understand oneself. For myself, I recall feeling contempt towards my mother during my years of adolescence, but by falling into the influencer trap, I soon realised I was only self-destructing by conforming to a one-way conversation. Who was I, really? Who am I without my lineage? These are answers that could only be gained from one’s creator.
This does not mean that years of hurt have to be erased or ignored. When one’s inner critic is actually present and not in their imagination, of course the child’s ache will be emphasised. The empty void will not be filled alone with a productive conversation. Perhaps even distance may be required from the narcissistic version of oneself, otherwise known as the mother. Still, it is important to recognise that behind the mask of the mother lies one’s possible future. By distancing oneself, would one become the mother? Or should one be the bigger person, even if they have been their whole life?
“Children do not make the rules”, said a fictional mother to her fictional daughter in the show Gilmore Girls when the latter attempted to reconcile with the mother. For many, the unfortunate reality is that the dialogue will never be fiction. But we can try to make the rules. Being lured in by influencers merely places the agency of one’s ‘mommy issues’ at the hand of commodification. Kindness ceases to exist at all if it is not employed in all spheres of life, including that of domestic relationships. Perhaps Lorde’s ode to her mother’s love was also her reclaiming that relationship. At the end of the day, you are your mother’s child.
