A Clickbait Headline; But a Genuine Question

Roxanna Brealey, Editor-in-Chief, History & Politics

An article released by British Vogue on October 25th, titled ‘Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?’ written by Chanté Joseph, went viral almost instantly. Though what went viral was not the actual content of the article, but the headline itself. It has dominated the media across a multitude of platforms; news sites, social media, and podcasts, with Zohran Mamdani even chiming in and stating that ‘if you’re worried that your boyfriend will embarrass you, you should probably get a new boyfriend.’

I would be right in saying that a lot of people were not entirely happy. But why is that? Nowhere in the article or in the headline, for that matter, does it actually say that having a boyfriend is embarrassing. The headline simply asks a question which is certainly worth answering.

While Joseph’s article marks a cultural shift that is currently occurring within women’s circles, the article itself is by no means revolutionary. The core message is essentially a condemnation of male-centred lifestyles, with Joseph critiquing women who centre their lives around their male partners. A pertinent line that really sums this up is ‘being partnered doesn’t affirm your womanhood anymore, it is no longer considered an achievement.’

This standpoint appears obvious, but subconsciously, some women may feel that having a boyfriend is some sort of achievement. Whilst data on this topic is hard to come by, there is a psychological explanation for this rationale. The formal term for this thinking is called ‘relationship-contingent self-esteem’ (Knee et al.) which is described as ‘an unhealthy form of self-esteem that depends on one’s relationship’ and involves ‘having one’s self-regard hooked on the nature, process, and outcome of one’s relationship.’ It is a process that is heavily based on ego, which is at the mercy of your partner’s presence and validation.

Essentially, you’ve been chosen, so you must be doing something right.

It is no individual woman’s fault that they are made to feel this way; instead, the blame lies in a patriarchal culture that has presented men as a prize, spreading the idea that male companionship will magically transform us into fully-fledged human beings.

Indeed, from a British perspective, marriages were historically driven by economic necessity and moral expectation. Louisa Garrett Anderson, a prominent suffragette, described attitudes towards single young women in the 1860s: ‘to remain single was thought a disgrace and at thirty an unmarried woman was called an old maid.’

Of course, these moral expectations have since changed. So too has the economic dependency of women on men. The Equal Pay Act (1970) and the Sex Discrimination Act (1975) declared it illegal to discriminate against women in education and employment, have paved the way for women to achieve economic independence. Whilst it is no longer a ‘disgrace’, why does some residual shame lie in being single?

Well, culture cannot be undone in an instant; however, this recent and intense cultural switch-up has turned this notion of shame on its head. Now that it’s no longer ‘cool’ to have a boyfriend, questions and queries have arisen as to what women deserve and what they have been tolerating. Joseph uses the phrase ‘blind allegiance to heterosexuality’ to perfectly describe how we have not been taught to question who we love, because the premise of the straight identity has never been brought into question in the first place.

Sometimes, all a boyfriend brings to the table are a few sad scraps. But these sad scraps can be elevated to a pièce de résistance through the power of the human imagination. The narrative of achievement is not gone, it’s merely fading. There are plenty of women who still feel that having a relationship reflects their worth, for instance, in a 2018 study, 51% of millennials portray their relationship to be happier than the actual reality, with 42% using social media to give the impression that they are in a ‘perfect relationship.’ If having a ‘perfect relationship’ was not so ingrained in our self esteem, we would not be constructing superficial narratives to prove something that simply isn’t true. 

Overall, I don’t think Chanté Joseph’s article is revolutionary. But it is culturally relevant. The amount of backlash that a single question can stir is uncanny; with Joseph receiving vile abuse, predominantly from men, with some sending her descriptions of how they would murder her. 

In an era of heterofatalism, where women are growing tired of unfulfilled expectations, a discussion is bound to, and must, ensue.