So, I Missed a Couple Messages…

Written by Chinaza Iwe, Features Section Editor, BA History and World Philosophies.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t answer my texts, and I will not be working to change that. I have a firm rule that if you call me, I’ll answer, and if I don't, I'll call back as soon as I can. I’m not unreachable; I'm just not a texter and that doesn’t mean I hate you. 

What I do hate is the assumed 24-hour window you have for answering a text without being perceived as an awful person. It happens in friendships and is a favourite red flag in dating. If you don’t answer a text, you’re either not interested or not serious, when in reality, you could just be busy. Being busy, however, isn't an acceptable answer because ‘texting only takes a minute’ and ‘if you wanted to, you would.’  We won't allow each other to be busy because reply time is apparently a metric of effort. Whilst little messages throughout the day can be wonderful to receive, they are an added task you must reply to, even if it's just a reel or a TikTok. 

Having almost every app on our devices function as a messaging service creates an intrusive form of access. We already have limited privacy with every app collecting our data and trying to sell us something, yet we’ve still decided to watch each other: ‘I saw you were active on Insta but you haven’t replied to my text.’ It’s something I especially hate. Just because I’m on my phone doesn’t mean I’m available; having a scroll or laughing at a video is time well spent in my book and it’s an entirely different task from texting back.

The moral nature of texting has gone a little too far for me – it's a demand for access to our lives all the time. This isn't to say you can't sense when someone's avoiding you, but we need to accept that it isn’t the biggest deal or the greatest evil. I would go as far as to say that being anxious over a text isn’t healthy. Ignoring plans to meet up or urgent messages is different, but not answering a ‘how are you?’ isn't the end of the world. We should be a little more trusting with our friends, the person we’re interested in, and our partners who DO want to talk to us, but maybe not right now. 

"I have a firm rule that if you call me, I'll answer, and if I don't, I'll call back as soon as I can."

I’m fully admitting to being the guilty party when it comes to communication, and maybe I should work on it a little, but none of my friendships should be hanging in the balance because I miss a text. There's an entire ethical world around texting and I simply don't consent to participate. If you need me, call me; send an email if you must, or a podcast of a voice note that I’ll play when I’m walking. 

Hanging up friendships or relationships based on an unspoken reply window seems unnecessary. We need to be more graceful, generous, and understanding of the fact that replying to a text can feel like a lot, given everything else going on in the world. We’re students; we have classes, readings when we get home, and most of us work on top of that. Then we have to buy groceries, clean, and figure out how to be adults - adding a constant need to communicate and provide access to each other is just too taxing.